The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
…..pretty much.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met