1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
#gardening
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s