A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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this chia pet tastes awful
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.