If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Still a very good boi….
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Cause of death: Zumba
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man