If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea