Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
can’t believe I got front row seats
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels