God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Every work call, he judges.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.