When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.