Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You Might Also Like
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.