yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?