Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist