If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
guilty
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.