I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol