Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
gm
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts