A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The Book. The Movie.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.