The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Bro what is this