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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.