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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!