Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Mhm.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio