Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
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[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
🏙👨🏼
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!