Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
You Might Also Like
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle