Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.