You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.