caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)