TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.