Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Bring back the McRib
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Ironic
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh