Ladies, why y’all do this?
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I think about this a lot
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!