You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do