Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Why soy sad?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
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HIM: I’m a running back.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
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Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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Favorite Food: Yes
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Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
How animals would run if they were human
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]