Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.