me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”