The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.