11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The game has officially changed 😎
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.