Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
You Might Also Like
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt