I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.