scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.