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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol