this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot