no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”