#CoronaOutbreak
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I need to get some bricks…
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?