The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.