The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You Might Also Like
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
#CatsOnTwitter
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on