Me :
All Day At Night
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[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Previously On Persistence 😎
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real