Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.