[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal