groan^2
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]