wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume