People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Finished stitching this today 😇
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.