In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
You Might Also Like
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.