*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
#MeanwhileinCanada
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade